“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”
Philippians 2:3-4 (NIV)
What’s the opposite of selfish? Humility. We must think of others as the verse says, but there’s another extreme—one in which you no longer take care of yourself. Jesus fed thousands of people and went off alone to rest and pray. There’s a fine balance.
When my AuDHD daughter was a newborn, I followed a helpful book that resulted in my daughter sleeping through the night (6 hours) by two months. The message between the lines of the book’s instructions about when my child should eat, sleep and play was that they would resolve around the parent’s schedule, not the baby’s. There were practical and emotional challenges that went along with sticking to this routine, but I really enjoyed the sleep it provided.
I was going pretty insane without it…
There’s nothing like a complex kid to show you life isn’t about you.
Little did I know at the time that I was also laying a foundation of routine that Kayla needs to thrive. We still follow a flexible routine, but I must say, I can take this parenting philosophy too far. I’ve always imagined being a hands-off parent like my grandparents. They raised me, provided for me, but I did a lot of growing up and figuring things out on my own.
Then I had a child with ADHD and Autism, who demanded a hands-on approach. Over the years, I’ve bucked and chafed against this calling. I’m been forced to be more of a helicopter mom than I ever anticipated. I can’t just ignore her special needs and leave her to her own distractions, impulses and failures. Well, I guess I could, but I’m too much the control freak to even consider that scenario. Wrong motivation aside, I should and am both Kayla’s advocate and social coach.
All that said, I want to ignore her and all her issues and needs. I get selfishly frustrated when my day is interrupted, and I have to pick her up from school because of a vague ailment that’s usually the result of anxiety and not actual sickness. Her weird behaviors annoy me, and I fight to bite my tongue and remember it’s her just being her. My husband wants to make a room in our house his dream library, but Kayla has to stay in the upstairs bedroom due to being a flight risk, and the chaotic toy room downstairs is her safe place. If I don’t check my heart, I become resentful.
Jesus lived the perfect balance.
So many people could and would try to convince me I’m not being selfish. I’m just taking care of myself. Setting boundaries. That sort of thing. But let’s go back to Jesus feeding the five thousand. According to Matthew’s account, Jesus had just been told his cousin, John the Baptist, had died a horrifying death. Jesus got on a boat to get away, but the crowds followed him. When he saw them, he didn’t say, “Guys, come on. I’ve had a very emotional day. A family member died. I need to mourn and be alone.” Instead, verse 14 says, “Jesus saw the huge crowd as he stepped from the boat, and he had compassion on them and healed their sick.” And later, when the disciples insisted that Jesus send them away, he fed them.
Making progress.
To an extent, I’ve been able to let God pull me out of myself and turn to Kayla’s interests and needs. For instance, I’ve never known more about God’s creatures (creepy and furry alike) in my entire life than I do now. Ninety-nine percent of my animal/insect education comes from Kayla. What she learns, she shares. And more than that, I’ve caught myself being fascinated alongside her. We’ve researched things out of pure curiosity. Sometimes, I just cater to her inquisitive mind, but sometimes I’m right there with her, excitedly awaiting the answer to her questions.
Another place I’m trying to be less selfish in my parenting is with my time. I’m about as flexible as a ruler, so when I have an agenda with a list of to-do’s and can’t do them because of a change, I want to pull my hair out and scream. So when Kayla suddenly wants to go to the park after school—which is way healthier than playing on her electronics—or taking the dog on a walk or exploring a nearby pond for frogs, I’m trying to fit it in.
One thing she’s needed more lately is physical activity. She can be a bed potato and has very little motivation to be active. At first, I was like, I have enough on my plate. I can’t worry about this right now on top of everything else. Recently, I decided to join her in the few physical activities she enjoys. This has heightened her motivation and brought us closer.
I hadn’t realized how little time I was spending with her. In fact, I was avoiding her. Avoiding her autism. Avoiding her ADHD. I’m also recognizing that I still have time to take care of myself. I still have time to write and work. I can still keep up with the dishes and laundry, and somehow I’m doing them with a much better attitude.
Life isn’t about us. It’s about God. Let’s teach our children what it means to love outside of ourselves with God as the center of our universe. It’s the only way we can be the opposite of selfish.
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