“Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.”
Ephesians 4:29 (NLT)
I am a mommy with a temper. I yell too much, expect too much and can be too critical. My words don’t build up the way they should. One of the four love languages is words of affirmation. This is my lowest one, while it’s my husband’s highest. Over the years, I’ve had to learn how to encourage someone instead of tearing them down.
My father had a temper and used his words as weapons. As a child, I learned this habit. But human anger doesn’t lead to God’s righteousness (James 1:20). Only God’s anger is righteous. Only his words can be used as a weapon—and are. God’s Word is a double-edged sword and is to be used as a holy weapon, not against humans but against darkness (Eph. 6:12).
Most of the time, I justify my words with parenthood. I defend myself with the need to discipline, to raise my AuDHD daughter up in the way she should go. But, not so deep down, I know I could have handled each situation better.
How we do encourage people?
It starts with biting our tongue so we can think first. That’s how we build up others. Lately, I’ve had very little grace and patience and have spoken with little thought. It’s like I can’t see that Kayla is doing anything right—I want her to be more active, more honest and get better grades. My focus has been stuck on all the things she isn’t and not on the things she is. Kayla is a beautiful, creative, generous person, but my words have been reflecting none of these facts.
What does thinking first look like?
Think has a great acronym for this:
- TRUE
- HELPFUL
- IMPORTANT
- NECESSARY
- KIND
It’s easy to get stuck on the first one and not examine the next four vital requirements. Our words being true is often a justification for saying something mean, like, “I think that shirt is ugly.” This might be how you feel, but I think that’s why James tell us in 1:19 to be “slow to speak.” If we take that necessary pause, we give ourselves time to ask if what we are about to say is helpful, important, necessary and kind. If any of these aren’t true, we are not about to build up the person we’re talking to. We are about to tear him or her down.
Us parents are even more responsible for our words.
And while this is a valid lesson for our kids—complex or not—I believe this applies to parents as well. Many complex children have esteem issues and depression. They feel rejected easily, while children without heightened sensitivity have thicker skin. My daughter has times of crippling anxiety and low self-esteem. Middle school is bringing in all the bullies, and sometimes I honestly fear for her life. Can she hold onto God’s love tight enough to not fall into the rising suicide statistics?
Yes, I still need to discipline her, but I don’t need to make it personal. I have a chose. I can be…
My duty as her mom is to build up a young woman and doing so doesn’t require words that assault her already fragile psyche.
Proverbs 16:24 compares kind words to honey. Let’s drizzle some sweetness on our children until they are sticky with kindness.
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