“For as I passed along and observed the objects of your worship, I found also an altar with this inscription: ‘To the unknown god.’”
Acts 17:23 (ESV)
Paul found common ground. He met them where they were and explained Jesus in a way they understood. He taught them rather than judged them. Disciplining our children should be similar. They don’t intuitively understand right and wrong. It must be taught. I believe all kids want to be good, but the pull of sin is strong. The desire to get what they want often outweighs the better choice. Empathy and sympathy are developed, not automatic. The different between honesty and deception requires instruction.
And then there’s the complexity of having ADHD or ASD or any other neurodivergence.
These young minds aren’t as mature as their neurotypical peers. Their executive functions are behind. Social skills are underdeveloped. Their brains don’t just understand the world differently, they work differently. For example, autistic people tend to think literally. They often don’t catch sarcasm and answer questions precisely, not always grasping the big-picture of what’s being asked.
My AuDHD daughter is EXTREMELY impulsive. Sometimes this comes out as dishonesty. It’s frustrating because I know her brain is younger than her body, but I don’t know how much she actually understands about her actions. Finding common ground is difficult. One day, when she was sneaking things to school, I had to ask three different questions to get to the truth—that she was smuggling stuffed animal contraband. Technically, she never lied to me, so she would argue that she did nothing wrong.
Using Object Lessons to Find Common Ground
Sharing is caring:
Later that day, we discussed transparency while in the car. I used the car’s front windshield as an object lesson. Seeing everything helps me make safe choices. It can be dangerous if the windshield isn’t clear. Likewise, I can’t make the best decisions for Kayla if she isn’t showing me everything. Did it work? Not 100% or for very long. But I’ve also learned to meet her where she is and ask the necessary questions.
Jesus taught the people. He didn’t walk around punishing them. The Jews were dumb sheep. The Gentiles were dumb sheep. We are dumb sheep. We must be led. Our complex kids must be led. We parents are their instructors and protectors, not their slave masters. We need to show more common ground and grace and less anger for anger’s sake. Less expecting what they don’t understand how to do.
