“For though I am free from all, I have made myself a servant to all, that I might win more of them. To the Jews I became a Jew, in order to win Jews.”
1 Corinthians 9:19-20a
Flexible parenting is an important part in raising complex kids. However, I’m as inflexible as they come. I once cried over a lovely surprise trip because it wasn’t what I expected. Without God’s guidance, I wouldn’t change a thing…EVER. While other people rearrange their furniture often, mine stays in its original spot until I’m forced to move it.
But growth can’t happen without flexibility.
Our bodies are proof of this. How can a baby become an adult without their bones lengthening? Sometimes this is even painful. To strengthen, muscles must first break down. One parenting strategy doesn’t fit for all kids nor always fit for the same child over time. As kids grow, they change, which means tactics and motivations need adjustment.
Some neurodivergent children—like autism—need a rigid routine and act out when the schedule goes off track. This can give a false impression that their motivations and emotional needs will never deviate.
An example of this was when I discovered a growth in my ADHD daughter. We had been fighting a lot more, and I was trying to figure out why—besides the fact she was becoming a preteen.
Then God opened my eyes to a pattern that had started to develop.
When Kayla was little and undiagnosed with ADHD, I leaned heavily on a self-help book that advised to constantly talk about feelings. This is supposed to encourage children to understand their emotions and eventually be able to identify and express their emotions in a healthy way.
But Kayla had been getting more upset whenever I would share how I thought she was feeling. While my goal was to recognize and validate her feelings so she felt heard and loved, this strategy kept backfiring. Any time I named the emotion, she’d argue that I had guessed wrong and spiral.
God gave me wisdom to see that my preteen had outgrown this tactic. She knows herself well enough now to understand her own emotions, and my attempts to do so for her made her feel bad.
It was time for me to be flexible.
Sharing is caring:
I began asking her what she’s feeling and only giving suggestions if she says, “I don’t know.” This new method has helped keep her calm when we are disciplining bad behavior or processing hurt feelings.
Recently, her father and I had to deal with some inappropriate impulsive behavior which seemed to come out of nowhere. Turns out, an embarrassing situation happened at school—one she didn’t want to admit had embarrassed her—and that big emotion triggered a lot of thoughtless actions.
Overall, talking emotions is still something she needs. It’s only the how that’s changed.
Another big change coming up is that I plan to homeschool her next year. Based on how 7th grade goes, we may stay at home for 8th grade as well. For my AuDHD daughter’s well-being, especially mental health, I’m making a big change. I anticipate many obstacles and worry a lot about our relationship, but I’m also excited because the peace that God’s provided my heart tells me it’s the right choice.
That’s another thing: to be a flexible parent, our ears need to be close to God’s heart, so we know we’re on his desired path.
Growth needs change, however. And change needs flexibility.
