“Then Peter came to him and asked, ‘Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?’ ‘No, not seven times,’ Jesus replied, ‘but seventy times seven!’”
Matthew 18:21-22 (NLT)
Why do so many shampoo bottles have directions that say rinse and repeat? I mean, other than to trick us into running out sooner so we have to buy more? Have you ever washed, rinsed and repeated? I reluctantly believe doing so gives me healthier hair. My hairdresser/friend told me why. She said the initial wash removes the buildup from oil, sweat, and/or hair products, and then the second wash actually cleans and nurtures your hair. In one sense, this can be applied to forgiveness. When we forgive over and over again, no built-up residue can linger.
Hair is one thing, but when it comes to forgiveness, rinse and repeat is a lot harder. The more I study Exodus, the more I feel sorry for Moses. He was more parent than leader—a parent to a huge group of whining kids. “Boo woo…we’re thirsty. Boo woo, we’re hungry.” These people had just been liberated. They had just walked between two walls of water and seen the tides destroy their oppressors. And they can’t trust that God will feed them? Moses gets angry a lot toward the Israelites. And yes, ultimately, it’s God’s forgiveness they needed, but Moses had to forgive too. Otherwise, he couldn’t have continued his purpose and calling.
I understand Peter’s frustrations.
I used to think I was good at forgiveness. Some of my family members carry grudges with ease and for ridiculous lengths of time. Not me. I could let things go. And after I fell into a period of sin, I climbed out with even more mercy. Now, I do have a temper. I’m not slow to anger as I should be, but I’m pretty good at letting go of the fury before laying my head on my pillow. Being a parent seems to have changed this about me. Especially when the offense is the same thing every time. Whenever my AuDHD preteen sneaks or lies again, I want to scream into the heavens and say, “Enough is enough. Right? I can stop forgiving her at this point…right?”
But the answer is always no.
We never stop forgiving.
One might think that Jesus gave Peter a loophole. Not seven times, but…seventy times seven. That’s 490 times. If you can keep track, then we can stop forgiving after the person has done the same thing to us 490 times. That’s when we can cut them off and hold onto the bitterness, right? Wrong.
For one, good luck keeping count. You’d need to be pretty dedicated to do so, and the act itself would put your forgiveness into question. Here’s the thing. “Love…keeps no record of wrong (1 Corinthians 13:5b).” Thus, if you love the person, a requirement for ALL people, you aren’t counting the times you forgave them. Forgiveness is unending, and thank the Lord. Imagine if God had a chalkboard in heaven for each of us, and when he marked the 490th line, we were unforgivable. I don’t think many of us would make it past our second year of being a Christian. If that long.
How do we rinse and repeat when it comes to forgiving?
The first thing is to seek understanding. Knowing the reason behind something helps me be more merciful. When the sneaky behavior didn’t stop no matter what I said or did, I did research and discovered that sneaky behavior is actually pretty common in children with ADHD and autism. My daughter has both, so the odds are not in our favor. I found out some of the possible motivations:
- Lack of social awareness—ASD children may simply not understand the inappropriateness or the social significance. I have to be very direct with Kayla about how her dishonesty affects our relationship. Alongside this, predictability is important. One of the reasons social skills are so difficult is because they are often unpredictable. Therefore, clear expectations and consequences ahead of time help. Unfortunately, there’s no planning for every future misbehavior.
- Executive functioning skills—We use these skills to plan and organize. ADHD and autistic brains struggle with these. Planning requires thoughts of the future, such as future consequences. Thinking first is key to controlling our impulses, and Kayla has very little impulse control. In the moment, I don’t think Kayla even considers how I will feel or react. She wants something, and it’s within reach—simple as that. Knowing Kayla isn’t being malicious and misbehaving in order to upset me helps…a little.
- Process Sensory Disorder—Some people with ADHD and/or autism either get overstimulated or under stimulated easily. My daughter is hypo-sensitive, although crowds (especially loud ones) bother her. Most of the time, she craves stimuli, such as screen time, slime time, and sweets. It’s no surprise then that Kayla’s weaknesses are sneaking extra time on her devices, taking out her slime without asking and stealing cookies, ice cream, etc.
The thing is…whether or not I understand, I must forgive, and forgive and forgive. I have to let go of the bitterness and need for vengeance (which goes beyond healthy discipline). Unending forgiveness is a necessary part of parenting.
When it comes to forgiveness, us parents must continually rinse and repeat.
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