“For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well.”
James 3:2-3 (ESV)
James is such a practical author, who addresses everyday issues. Like UTP: Untamed Tongue Problems. Do you have untamed tongue problems? Who doesn’t? According to James, only the perfect human can perfectly tame the tongue, which means only Jesus qualifies. That’s not to say we shouldn’t try to tame our tongues. Otherwise, why would James advise his readers about the tongue?
I personally love the horse analogy. My ADHD/ASD preteen took horse riding lessons for years during the summer and sometimes school year, so I’ve seen firsthand the comparison in this Scripture. A gentle tug to the left and the horse turns left (if it’s not a stubborn untrained horse).
James goes on to say how dangerous the tongue can be. It’s like a tiny spark that can set a forest aflame. Then he addresses how inconsistent our tongues are. How they praise God but at the same time curse people (God’s image bearers). All this is to say that words matter.
Why tame the tongue?
Words Have Power
Let’s take Martin Luther King Jr’s words for an example. They helped change our whole nation. Words have the ability to cause war or seal peace. Proverbs 18:21 says, “The tongue has the power of life and death.” Words can tear people down or build them up. We see this with our complex kids. With anxiety, emotional deregulation and many more conditions, they can be really mean with their untamed tongues.
And let’s discuss social media for a second. Words matter there too. Without subtext and body language, our comments and posts have zero cushion. The people reading them will feel the FULL weight of our words, so we need to train our children about online etiquette (and use it ourselves).
Words Come From Within
Jesus tells the people in Matthew 15:18 that the words we speak from the heart and these words are what can defile us. Not what goes into our mouth, but what comes out. During Biblical times, the heart was the center of our emotions and desires. So it’s no wonder our words reflect our feelings. And with an untamed tongue, we, our complex kids and even neurotypical kids often express anger, frustration, and anxiety with words of destruction. At that moment, we want to hurt the person we’re directing our words toward, even subconsciously.
I’ve seen countless posts on parenting groups that share how their children are cussing them out and breaking them apart with their words. It’s heartbreaking. I’ve been cut up by my preteen’s words. She has a knack for finding just the thing that will pierce my heart. And often stir my own anger. Then I say regretful things back, and we both end up having to apologize to each other.
How To Tame The Tongue
Although impossible to be perfect at taming the tongue, it’s worth the effort to try. Here are some ways that Scripture teaches us to choose our words wisely:
- Say less
- James 1:19 tells us to be slow to speak. Proverbs 13:3 provides the wisdom in preserving our words instead of speaking rashly. Proverbs 17:28 says that “Even Fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.” Proverbs 10:19 suggests that using fewer words is prudent.
- Be Thoughtful
- You know the anagram. Before the words leave your mouth, ask yourselves if your words are Truthful, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, and Kind. If not, DON’T say them. Proverbs 15:1 reminds us that staying calm is key to calming an angry person, but fighting back with words only makes things worse. I’ve learned this lesson the hard way multiple times.
- How And When To Speak
- With our complex kids, correction should wait until their strong feelings have faded. That helps them express their feeling in a calmer manner. Proverbs 31:8 says, “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute.” If you see an injustice, like bullying, speak up. As our complex kids’ advocates, us parents can and should (tactfully) insist on our children getting their accommodations and assistance. Matthew 18:15 gives us instructions for standing up for ourselves as well.
But when we do speak up for ourselves or others, we still must use wise words.
As we tame our own tongues, let’s teach our kids how to tame theirs.
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